Nothing "bad" happened. And it's not because I'm having Halloween withdrawal (even though I am.) Just struggling a lot inside. Don't feel like I have anyone or anywhere to let it all out. Hence the hesitant blog post full of caveman-like choppy sentences.
Today was a hard day to be a mommy. Tomorrow Cooper goes in for his 2nd colonoscopy this year, which means today I could not give him any solid foods. Only jell-O, juice, and broth. (Did not like the broth so much.) Along with that, I had to give him 3 capfuls of Miralax laxative. A regular adult dose is 1 capful per day. Now before you gasp in horror, Cooper has done very well today. He was in a fairly good mood, all things considered. He didn't cry in hunger too much. His system is definitely cleaned out, but it doesn't seem to bother him. What a good boy I have.
I was doing fine for so long, I swear. It only became a hard day here in the late evening, as I try to get ready for tomorrow. A few hours ago I lifted my baby out of bed, all sleepy and snuggled on my shoulder, so that his father and grandfather could give him a priesthood blessing. As I held him, even though he was squirming a little, even though the phone was ringing in the background, the words from that blessing flowed from his little body and into the center of me. I felt them deeply. The concerns, the fears, the hopes, and the very desperation of tomorrow began to weigh heavily on me. I heard the words of the blessing tell his body to show the doctors what is wrong.
Nothing could better express the desire of my heart.
It's hard to be a mommy who just doesn't know what to do. It's hard to fight and fight and feel like it gets you nowhere. It's hard to not know what you are hoping for. (Do I hope they find something wrong? Or do I hope everything looks normal....... AGAIN.) Today it's hard to be a mommy because I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring.
Right now my heart is just looking for a little more faith, a little more gratitude, a little more peace. It will come. But right now it's just tired.
11 comments:
Thinking of you...and Cooper.
I am so sorry this is frustrating. And I am sorry it's HAPPENING. I will be thinking of you both and praying for you today. I might try and call you tonight if you will be home...I just got a new phone and you were one of the first ones I put in my new phonebook!
HUGS FROM ME!
My eyes are tearing up. . . any mother can understand those feelings even if they don't understand everything about the situation. I hope all goes well with the procedure and you do get ANSWERS!
(And hopefully Tucker won't fall at the bus stop like the time before!!) :)
P.S. You're a great mom.
I'm all teary reading this. Coop is in my prayers and in my heart - so are the doctors - that they may figure this all out. I hope your heart becomes less tired soon and that it gets the rest it deserves.
You probably won't see my comment until after you get home from the hospital/doctor's office, but I hope everything goes well! Poor you, and poor little Cooper! I got all teary-eyed while reading your post.
I'm so glad he had a priesthood blessing.
Let me know what I can do to help you today. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
PERFECTLY said....all will be well.
So sorry Amy. It's so hard to make your kids do things that are uncomfortable and hurt them, even when you know it's for their own good. You are in my prayers.
P.S. You guys looked awesome (as usual) this Halloween.
I'm so sorry it's hard right now. You and Coop are always in our prayers.
My heart goes out to you, my sweet friend! I will keep you in my prayers and look forward to some good news. Love you!
I am sorry. That has got to be hard to go through with you little guy. It makes me so sad to have the hear about all he has been through.
My heart goes out to you Amy. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel the weight of things and feel sad before we can pick ourselves back up and go on fighting.
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